I have time today to write! It is Mother’s Day, and I have a husband who values alone time for me and time to process and reflect. I’m so grateful for that. I am sitting outside at Guthrie Green. Covid-19 is still with us here in Tulsa, and around the world, so I’ve relocated to an outdoor table rather than a café booth. And really, though, isn’t that nicer?
I want to share with you a little bit about my maternal journey with Covid. There have been moments during this pandemic where I have been tempted to feel hopeless, and have been tempted to succumb to fear. There have been situations that seemed lose – lose and as though there was not a right way to turn. I am not going to outline those because there are so many veins of thoughts on this topic, and it would overshadow what came of the journey – and that was how the Lord met me in it.
One particular day, I was especially faced with this lose – lose predicament. If you are a parent, have you ever been in this situation with your kiddo? There is this perfect little one who loves you and trusts you to take care of them and you are responsible for their well-being. But every turn looks wrong. So, that day, I walked for an hour or so with the weight of the world on my shoulders – and the weight of my son’s world. And then I took some time and I listened. I put my baby down for a nap and I set all the other responsibilities aside. Because, I have learned that tending to my heart and listening to the Lord has to take precedence over prepping lunch and dinner, cleaning the house, and schoolwork. They will always be there.
But, our hearts are like gardens. If we don’t tend to them, weeds will grow. If we don’t till the ground, we’ll grow hard and calloused. If we don’t allow ourselves to be pruned, growth will be stunted. If we aren’t healthy and have a full cup, how are we to care for others?
So I took time and put everything aside, and I was reminded of something. I was never meant to carry the world – my world – or my son’s world. There is only one person who ever has had that strength, and that is Jesus alone. Jesus carried all of our sin, sickness, sorrows, anxieties, and iniquities on His body. Jesus went down into Hades and rose up, carrying us with Him into new life for all who choose Him. Jesus is equipped to carry the world. I am not. Jesus is the one who says “come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest, for my burden is light and my yoke is easy” (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus wants me to give Him the burdens that are His and take on those He has for me – the burden of submitting myself to Him repeatedly, the burden of striving to rest, the burden of loving others with a soft and full heart.
As I sat there in solitude I saw two things. I saw Jesus carrying the world on His back, the way only He could. And I saw myself standing at my split path, and was reminded of His ability and desire to lead me in His way. With those images and the peace of His presence, I laid down the burden of choosing between two seemingly hopeless choices. I chose to believe that the path He has for us will be one that is good, one where His healing is present, one where He turns all things around for our good, one that He shepherds with loving kindness and care. And from that place I found hope. And from that place, I could hear clearly the way He wanted us to go. And from that place I could embrace that they way He had for us to go would be good and safe and one where He is with us.
So I laid in bed this morning. My husband brought me coffee and a smoothie and egg tacos. Seriously, my husband is amazing. And I looked down at my baby who was laying beside me after being brought to me for a morning feeding. And he just looked at me. He didn’t squirm or cry. He looked at me peacefully and stared into my eyes as I talked to him and told him that he was the perfect gift to be given to our family, that I loved every single part of him. And I believe it. What an incredibly blessed life we get to live. Happy Mother’s Day, from this mama to all the mama hearts out there – the mothers, the foster moms, the teachers, the spiritual moms, the godmoms, the grandmoms, the pregnant moms to be (you really are already moms), and to those who are aching to be moms. I celebrate you and your journey. You are beautiful.